I’m the impostor who released my debut novel

Why?

I released my debut novel but feel like an impostor. I’m aware of the term Impostor Syndrome and am more familiar with experiencing it in corporate or social settings, but this instance is different. I’m more keenly aware of playing accuser, not a social setting or cumulative experience of other’s reaction to my presence. Solely me.

Isn’t that always the case with Impostor Syndrome? you may ask. Well, yes. But with previous experiences I had external triggers that I could identify, assess, and strategize a response to. I was going to be in those situations for a defined time period after all. Now, my mirror is heading up the suspect identification drive, my self is in the witness chair, and my solicitor has gone AWOL. I don’t wanna assess and strategize me, I’ve done something good, I wrote a book! But unless I do, this loud, time consuming, energy draining, unseen court case will never end.

So what is Impostor Syndrome?

A quick search threw up an array of bullet points and steps to overcome it, but mainly for the corporate environment. I found the TED Ed Talk by Elizabeth Cox helpful as it even opens by revealing that both Maya Angelou and Albert Einstein experienced the same thing, an ‘unwarranted sense of insecurity’ or a feeling that you don’t belong. Michelle Obama has also spoken of her feelings of self-doubt and not belonging.

Skilled, competent, and accomplished individuals are more likely to think that they’re the same as everyone else, and so feel undeserving of the praise, attention, and opportunities afforded by their achievements. But my feelings of impostorism are more closely aligned with what Cox refers to as Pluralistic Ignorance, the experience of doubting yourself privately and believing that everyone else must be better because no one else is voicing their own doubts.

So you can feel like an impostor if you’re highly accomplished and deemed so by others, and you can feel like an impostor if accomplishments are less well known because it seems like no one else is doubting themselves. Referring to the research of psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, Cox states that restricting it to the word syndrome downplays its universality. It is literally everywhere, I have been downplaying it.

Alright, so I’ve definitely identified what it is, what to do about it? Get extreme? Demand better of myself? Throw everything at it, put on fatigues and declare war against this post-release stage with some guerrilla marketing? Might help in the short term, but wouldn’t address the root of what’s causing me to feel this way. Gonna have to go under the hood and take a look. Boooo…

Getting to the root of it

[music box melody begins to play]

I don’t have a level or degree in English-anything and missed the day in primary school when the difference between nouns, verbs, adjectives, and the like was taught because of a dentist appointment that left me with blue teeth and a blue tongue.

[needle scratch, music box snaps shut]

While everyone else learnt about the founding blocks of our common language, I was turning into a character straight out of the storybooks which lined our knee-high cabinets. The grammatical nectar was only summarised in the following session, so I felt as though I’d missed out on something very important. Something that I needed to understand, but didn’t. Have been insecure about it since. Ask me about an adverb and my first instinct is to search for a calculator.

[music box pushed off polished surface]

Root system identified.

And the Now of it

The now of it is the creation an actual novel, released into the world for public consumption and critique. Imagine my horror at discovering that adverbs in stories are a no-no after finally figuring out what they are. This may or may not explain a knee-jerk inclusion of some math in Ch3.

The traditional and self-publishing impostor

My limited experiences with attempting to be traditionally published then self-publishing, are definitely the next areas to assess. I feel like an impostor in terms of traditional publishing because my initial manuscript was repeatedly rejected. There were also a series of hoops that I was unaware needed to be jumped through before a house would even consider taking me on, leaving me so demoralised that I put the manuscript to bed.

The lengthy month+ delays in terms of responses, but understanding the reasons put forward for the buffer, didn’t help either. It was the same with the few competitions that I entered excerpts to (even though they had defined timelines). It seemed like the standards were impossibly high, but low enough for the other children in my class to have a better chance of hurdling over. I wasn’t good enough for this, they said so.

And with pretty much no budget (or time) available, I feel like an impostor in terms of self-publishing. There are amazing independent professionals and resources available across the entire publishing journey that I know could’ve added some polish to the end product, but didn’t engage with. Using my adverb calculations, I have broken the code of indie professionalism and duly cringe in response. But still I dare to move under the umbrella of Indie Author. Impostor ahoy!

Overcoming the impostor

From the little that I’ve come across, the presence of impostorism can be banished but is more often than not, managed. Five recurring points surfaced when addressing overcoming it:

1. Awareness: Recognise and acknowledge its presence. Then separate the thoughts/feelings from your actions and decide whether they’ll help or hinder you in achieving your goal. In doing so, you challenge the truth of the lie.

2. Talk to someone trusted: You’re definitely not the only person to be thinking and feeling the way you are, and your definitely not alone. Talking through the situation with someone else can provide a much needed soundboard, support and perspective. Professional counselling is also widely available if needed.

3. Perfectionism is overrated: Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, including you. And you don’t need to be an encyclopedia of relevant knowledge before setting out to do whatever it is. Learn along the way and record the lessons. So if it’s a case of feeling that you don’t measure up, let perfect be the direction rather than the end goal. I bet you’ll encounter all types of “perfect” on the journey. As is consistently repeated: Be kind to yourself.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others: Be kind to yourself.

5. You do belong: The world has never experienced you being you at this point in time, in the circumstances under which impostorism has tangoed across the stage. Reframing the encounter can help. You are teaching the situation how to experience you. Be you, that’s how you achieved that milestone, you belong.

I think I’ve done 1, can work on 2 (although writing this has helped), and dip in and out of 3. I am more comparing myself to standards than others with 4, so I’ll lean on 3 for this one and learn the lessons for future application. 5 Will take some courage, but will build confidence and make the path going forward seem less imposing. I can try these. I can’t change my blue teeth of old and have done my best with what I have to actually publish a project. I’ll weather any response to it (or lack thereof), learn from it all, and prepare to teach a little. OK I’m hopeful, good things ahead. I’ll admit it -assessing and strategizing me has proven to be a good thing. I have a plan to deal with impostor-me on this journey. Forward.

How’s your journey going?

Credits: ted.com – © 2022 TED, bbc.co.uk – © 2022 BBC